Doing the Tough Thing

This morning was a typical rainy cold morning. I dropped the boys off to school without a hitch and no dog escapes. Other than being a sleepy feeling day, it was really going okay.

On our way to school S4 had said in a tiny voice in the back of the suburban, "Moma, I don't really like school. Because of nap time. They won't let me take my shoes off. And....and I miss you."

"Ahhhhh," I answered, almost not hearing the end of that declaration, "I miss you when you are at school too but you will have lots of fun today and I'll have cookies for you when you get home!"

Today is the first day S4 is riding the bus. He has been totally thrilled about it but maybe I missed something. I don't know, he'd been so excited.....

....but when it came time to take him down to his class, he began to walk slower. This has happened before but he is always fine after a hug. Not today. After the slow walking thing didn't work, he mentioned a tummy ache....but he was grasping at straws there. When we got to his hallway, he refused to walk another step. He leaned into a locker and tears dropped from his face.

"I want to go home with you," he cried softly.

I mentioned all his friends names and all the fun they would have today and the fact that he would be home soon and his teacher may have a new jungle story for him and his other teacher was so excited to put him on the bus.

Nothing worked.

I carried him to his class, more sorta dragged him there. He was getting desperate and when I put him down he laid on the floor. I got on the floor with him, pulled him in my lap, and told him he was going to school.

I handed him to his teacher and a friend of mine who was helping in his class. He screamed and clung to me and his little pudgy fingers clung to my coat so tightly he nearly pulled it off me.

And I walked away with him sobbing "MOMA!!!!!!!!!"

I walked right out the front door, leaned agains the cold brick wall, and cried.

I called my husband in hopes he would tell me to run back and in and hug him tightly and snuggle with him on the couch and build train tracks with him all day. But he didn't answer and I knew he wouldn't say that anyhow.

So I went back into school, snuck quietly down the hallway and leaned against the open door to try to hear him. I just heard quiet playing and no sobbing so I turned around and left the school.

And my heart.