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Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Attack of the Kissy Woman

When my Aunt is around, well, odd things happen. Fun things. Really too crazy to be anything but reality things. Her whole life is made up of stories like these. I encourage her to write a book, even the journey of writing a book would become something funky hilarious. Take any crowd of average American women and the funny stories they have in a year and then multiply that by three and that is Aunt S in a week. Sometimes a day.

What concerns me is that my mom and sister have started saying things like “things like that only happen to you and Aunt S.”

I'm like her? Well, it means my life isn't boring! And really, I'd be honored to be like my Aunt....
I mean, it gives me stories like this one!

Now, to be honest, Aunt S wasn't with me when this happened. She WAS however, IN the store so she gets credit for this happening to me and S4.

My Mom and Aunt were looking for birthday gifts for S4 and I had already done my find, buy, dash to vehicle, run to store and show up as though I had been strolling slowly thru Super Walmart sipping coffee and stumbled upon Aunt and Mother and S4. So S4 and I were off to get groceries, because we always need groceries.


We were headed for the coffee isle first. I mean, that is the most important item, yes? They also have these hunking huge containers of Swiss Miss hot cocoa. My husband as a fondness for this cocoa and we go through it so fast that I just prefer to buy the 'economy size' one. It lasts us about two weeks or so.

I was headed down the isle way with my cocoa and coffee and I seen a very old couple staring blindingly at the boxes and boxes and more boxes in front of them. I know this feeling. With so many options, you sorta can't take all the items in at Super Walmart.

“Sweetie, do you know where the cocoa is?” the old lady asked me.

Now, there was an entire wall of cocoa in front of them. Literally. Tons and tons and tons of boxes of every kind of cocoa. “Ummmmm, well, ( I didn't want her to feel bad.) There is all this cocoa, um, right here.”

“Oh!” she had a loud cackley voice, “HERE it is!”

I had a feeling I was not excused to move on yet. “Does that help?” I asked.

“Well, we just want regular cocoa. You know, hot cocoa.”

How would you answer that one? I wanted to be respectful and helpful. “Well, there is this regular Swiss Miss variety right here, in envelopes which is nice. Our family drinks this kind. Or it's here in a can. It just depends how much you want to drink.”

“What kind do you get, sweetie?”

“Well, there are a lot of us. We get this...” I held up the can I had in the cart. The super humongous “Great for offices” written on the front canister.

“That's it!” the old woman nearly danced a jig. “That's what we like to get! Where did you find that, dearie?”

There was no way at all the silent man and the loud woman were going to find this. I also found it odd that not a single other person was in this isle with us...

“Why don't you just take mine?” I offered sweetly.

S4 is watching all this in the basket of the cart. He isn't saying much but the woman is so loud and laughs so much you just can't help but kinda stare at her. And that is what he silently was doing.

“Oh, bless your heart! Bless your sweet heart!” she clapped.

The man smiled politely, putting the ginormous can into the cart. I have no idea at all how they will drink all that cocoa. Unless they do drink it as much as my husband does......

Because the old woman and I were now friends, she suddenly needed to chat. Spying S4 she declared to anyone in a six isle radius, “Ohhhhhhhh, I am going to kiss that little boys cheeks!”

S4 made himself as small as possible. His eyes were the size of saucers. His face was as pale as the white snow outside. And that old lady could MOVE. She was at the side of the cart in lightening speed and had his face in her gnarled hands and was bending down to kiss him. I had a sudden flash of fear, what if the little old lady fell IN the cart on S4?

What would you do? S4 was scared beyond speech. The old lady wasn't really going to hurt him. Do I force S4 to let the old bright red lipsticked lady kiss his sweet baby cheek?
I had to think fast because S4 had now moved his feet up the cart to brace himself away from her and his hands were outstretched in defense mode and his face was so scrunched up as if he were about to get a shot.

But thankfully, she noticed this (finally, it was quick but seemed eternity like) and stood up. “oh, he is a shy boy. What a pretty little boy. I had nine brothers. Yup, I sure did. Didn't I?” she looked to her husband.

“Yup, I got the runt.” the man smiled. His eyes were kind and patient, he had been thru this a time or two, I could tell.

“Well”, I smiled beginning to slowly inch my cart away, “He has three brothers.”

“Oh, he does! I had brothers. Didn't I have brothers? How many brothers did I have?” she looked to her husband for an answer.


“Yup, nine brothers. I was the only girl. My husband had to steal me away.”

Suddenly, the woman got all animated. “Ohhhhhhh, let me kiss those cute little baby boy cheeks!” she cried, and went to kiss S4 again.

This time I could tell she was going to get hurt. There was no way S4 was letting her even near him. “well, we have to run.” I began to walk away.

“But what about that cocoa?”

I wasn't sure if she remembered she had some. “Oh, I'll get some more, don't worry.”

I quickly headed to the back of the store.

S4 was silent. And then he simply said, 'that lady wanted to kiss me. Girls should NOT kiss boys.”

I needed to get home pretty fast to be there when the boys got home so I was in a hurry, we weren't in the store long at all. But we seen that couple no less than four times and every time, across all the isles (and I was peeking before we headed down them) she would call out “Oh, I am going to kiss you little boy!”

S4 has refused to even think of going to the Super Walmart again.


Anonymous said...

That is the sweetest story ever! I want to be friends with this couple too. And it made me think of the movie Up which now makes me kind of feel like crying. But I like it. :)

ValAnn said...

Absolutely adorable! Made me laugh and think of my own grandparents!

The Farmer's Wife said...

I'm scared I'm going to be the Kissy Woman in 60 years.

AND you've done your son's future wife a favor, by creating SuperWalmart Averson Kinetics. (SWAK....the direct opposite of Sealed With A Kiss, though).

I can't WAIT to meet your aunt!

Becca @ Our Crazy Boys said...

That poor little boy... I wouldn't go back either!