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Tuesday, February 21, 2012

What NOT to Wear

If you are boy/man...do not read this.

It will make absolutely no sense to you at all.

It will make women look silly.  I can't have that.

Women....read on.

I meant to take a picture for you of the outfit with the issue and the problems I had today, but I needed comfy jeans on just as soon as I walked in the door.

And I love you all, but I couldn't put that outfit on again.

Let me start at the beginning....

Yesterday it was sunny and warm and brilliant spring like.  Grand weather.  Today it snowed.  Not much, but the snow turned to drizzle and ick.  Today was also my day to work and I am just tired of wearing corduroy pants every time it is cold out so I decided to wear my favorite long jean skirt.

I found this jean skirt at Goodwill and it has never fit great but I love it so much I can't give it up.  It has the slit in the front and I find that all retro and cool looking but it is cold out, remember, so I had to wear tights.

The tights I own I bought the year S1 turned one.

I'll let you think on that.  

Yes, you are correct.  The tights are over eleven years old.

I purchased them from L.L. Bean.  Their tights just don't wear out.  I keep waiting for them to get a hole or a snag or something but the keep holding in there for me.

The only thing that is wrong with them is that the elastic is gone in the waist.

This sorta causes a problem but since the tights go with EVERYTHING I usually can improvise to pull off the look.  Today I decided to wear the tights with my spanx.

I just recently became the owner of a pair of spanx.  I bought this AMAZING black dress this winter and it needed a little help.  So Morg went out and purchased me my first pair of spanx.  She was also in awe I have never owned a pair.

So, I pulled on the spanx shorts, pulled on the tights, tucked the tights into the spanx.  I buttoned the skirt and pulled on my tall knee high boots I love so much.  I looked in the mirror.

I looked good.

Well, as long as I didn't walk too fast because you could see the spanx under my tights.  Remember I mentioned the slit was in the front of the skirt?  That meant that knee length spanx were longer than the above the knee slit.

But...really, who would notice?

So I took off for work...and when I sat I realized I may have a little issue.

The spanx totally would show!  At this point I was on my way to work and there was nothing to do about it and I was thankful for a desk with a big computer hiding me from patrons.

I arrived at work not wearing the same outfit as Alicia.  We often unintentionally dress the same.  We did, however, both wear our hair in a pony tail.  Since I really can't recall a time I wore my hair in a high pony tail at work this really made me giggle...and there is no point in telling you this.  I just had to share it.

It soon became apparent that the tights were not staying tucked into the spanx.  If my tights weren't staying tucked in, then I get that whole penguin feeling where the tights are falling and I can't walk.

Also, I kept having problems with my spanx.  They were super high in the back and not as high in the front and I could tell, this day was going down as a fashion mess.

When I went to go pee later, I noticed what a problem I had.

I had put my spanx on backwards.

I debated a moment, but really, what was there to do?  I had to take off my boots, take off my tights, take off my spanx, switch the spanx around, put on the tights, tuck the tights into the spanx, put on the boots and hope I looked okay.

The effort had me nearly sweating I was so hot and that made me think - again - how I need to get walking again because I can't run for fear of falling.

Seriously, if I fall and hurt myself, how is this family going to function?  They aren't.  So I don't run.

I think I just need new tights.

Anyhow, I tried to breeze back out of the bathroom and not appear all hot and disheveled but I don't think I did a great job at that.

I went back to work but now my problem was the spanx were higher in the front than the tights.  I had yanked the spanx up high on my legs so that they didn't show but now they were cutting off the circulation to my legs.  Seriously, digging into my nonwalked, unrunning thighs.  The spanx would fold over and I would suddenly have this weird looking fat roll on my tummy.

Sausage popped into my head as reference.

And anyone could see the weird looking fat roll because I had to take my sweater off from being so hot from changing so fast.

Because the spanx were so high my tights, of course, would not stay tucked in either so I was constantly trying to hitch them back up.  There is NO graceful way of doing this.

So at the end of the day I peeled off the clothes and put on my comfy jeans and sneakers and said, "I have to blog this."

Now you all know what not to do.  You are welcome.


2 comments:

Becca @ Our Crazy Boys said...

I am laughing SO hard right now.

SO hard!!

You poor thing.

Kristi said...

O.M.G.
I really don't know what else to say. This is one of the funniest things I have read in a Loooooong time! You poor thing!!

I love that you shared it.